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August 22, 2001
Hello? Anyone there? Hey! Hey.

Hello? Anyone there?

Hey! Hey. Hey! Hey. I have this interaction many times a day. Hey! Hey. The first hey is usually sort of bubbly, pops at the end, it's an "isn't it just such a great day?" hey. The second, mine, is lately just as it appears. With a period after it. No exclamation point. Just hey. Hey. hey. It drops off.

Okay, so I had a nice vacation and a good weekend. That's good, sure. I want more. Not more fun, just more. More satisfaction. More something. More home.

I like my room but it's too messy. Maybe this weekend will be the one where I clean it up. Make some better space. Get rid of the clutter.

I'm not feeling good lately. I'm not happy at work, not particularly happy at home. I like my room. I like my bed, but I'm afraid I'm escaping there. I'm not sure how I feel about any of it. I feel alone, but I'm not. I feel like leaving town, but I can't. Soon I'll be able to, but will I? Where will I go? No desire. I'm afraid that I'll leave this job, and then one month, 6 months, a year later, the roof will blow out and everyone will get rich. I'll be somewhere else, possibly happy but certainly still in debt. I don't know if I can get happy, really, with this debt. One would think this would motivate me to make this my top priority. The only thing I care about. No beer, no movies, no DVD players, just debt paying. The joys of watching those balances go down. But I'm not. What is it? I'm afraid to be free maybe. Then I'd have to decide. What would I do? I'd be free. I wouldn't need $500 each and every month, I wouldn't need much at all. That kind of freedom must scare me because I have no idea what I'd do with it.

I'm not greedy, I don't care about money at all. That's the problem. If I cared, I wouldn't be in this fix. Or I'd be closer to out than I am. But I don't care. I can't get myself to value it. They keep giving it to me, and I keep spending it on bullshit. Traveling is good, and I like some other stuff. Music, presents. But really, what else? A big truckload of crap. Stop stop stop.

I'd make a resolution, but I don't like them. It's not resolutions that get me off my ass, it's something else. Caring. Investment. Home. Love. I'm still such a small child.

Having Joel here has been cool. It's also a factor on my squeemishness. Not him, but changes. Laurel is leaving tomorrow, and that's very sad. Joel is here and that's happy. Dave is probably coming. Changes. What am I doing? Maybe it's people around me changing their lives, going after something, however loosely defined. They're coming to me, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm just here. Boring. Bored. Joel is going to live with Denyse which should be interesting. World's colliding. Who cares? If I was doing better for me, I wouldn't find reasons why everything else is a source of stress. They're not, I am.

I'm tired of eating.

I don't usually remember my dreams, but this week I've remembered two.
The first one started out with some kind of talk show taping, and I was in the audience. Denyse was on the stage, with another girl. I don't know what they were talking about, but they started kissing. They did that for a while and the audience went "whooooaaaaaa" like Jerry Springer. Then we were in a mall with escalators everywhere. They went up, down, and side to side. Some of them were super short, you couldn't go anywhere without taking one. We were fighting about the lesbian thing, I was mad at her, she thought it wasn't a big deal. Then we walked into a room where there was a big group of young black girls with umbrellas. The kind of cheap umbrellas with a little plastic ball at the end, and maybe some ruffled edges. Purple and pink. White and blue. They were holding the umbrellas at jaunty angles, making a sort of impossible grid. We couldn't get by and started trying to say excuse me, but they wouldn't move. I looked into the middle of them and they were playing air hockey on a tiny little table, using the umbrellas instead of paddles.
We got through and found ourselves at some kind of amusement ride. The front of the contraption had seats, behind the seats were several platforms like skateboards for riders to stand on. Denyse got into a seat and I took a platform. On one side was a hole for me to insert my umbrella (everyone had umbrellas now) and on the other side was a handgrip. They kept switching sides though. I would insert my umbrella and then realize it was the wrong side so I'd switch. Rinse, repeat.
The girl in front of me was making fun of me because I was white, and she turned around and said, "damn. you even smell like vanilla". I told her it was my cologne.

I don't remember this dream making me feel any particular way, and I don't know what it means. Except for the lesbian paranoia part. The rest is up for grabs. I wish my dreams made me think about my life, or gave me some insight, but they usually just confuse me.

Second dream, last night, was about boats. I don't remember it very well. Boats, lagoons, liquid cul de sacs. "We might need someone up here to drive around in circles" I didn't volunteer.


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