Maybe I screwed up. I don't know. I feel horrible, but I had to fight. It is important. More, less, maybe one of those, but important, and that was the time for it. Maybe I screwed up. But I had to fight.
So, got in several real arguments about this thing tonight. The anger is starting to rise. Last night Will had a heated debate with Luke's dad. The anger, the fear.
James' friend, I think Niles is his name (should I say that?), and I argued for a while. John chimed in some, but it was mostly Niles and me. This was a relatively friendly argument in a friend's apartment, so I didn't get very angry. I didn't shake or tremble, just talked. I think he was dead wrong, though. We should find the individuals who did this terrible thing, and they're cohorts (hard to define, that gets slippery), and bring them to justice. They should pay. Maybe with their lives, maybe not, but pay. But starting wars isn't going to fix it. And until we realize that we live in a world where these things can and do happen, and take some responsibility for our place in that world, and our part in shaping such a world, not just as a country, but as individuals, these things will continue to happen. You can kill bin Laden, you can kill all of his friends and soldiers, but there will be another one. And another. Until someone figures out how to stop the cycle. I'm not saying I know how to do that, it's a very difficult question. But I don't have to have the answer to know what isn't the answer.
Then we were at Union Square. At first I was really moved by the candles, all the mourners, the posters of missing people. Everyone was peaceful. Signs that said "Arabs are not the enemy" and "War is not the answer". But then someone started yelling about killing "them". "Kill them all. They won't stop until we're all dead, unless we kill them. It's the only way." And other people started clapping. Denyse and I were trying to fight, and I was probably being a jerk. I was tired. Tired and sad and frustrated and impotent. So I yelled at him. Something short. I told him he was the enemy. He yelled at me back.
I can't, or don't want to, remember all the words. Other people yelled at me too. He asked me how old I was, a favorite argument of the stupid. You're young, what do you know. "Have you ever been in the military? Then you don't know anything." How ridiculous. And then there's the emotional distortions. They tell me about the body parts. They get everyone inflamed. They had piles of fingers and pieces of skin down there. I want to say I don't care, but of course I do care. But it's not the point. War is a tragedy, and death is ugly. If we start a war, there will be more fingers and skin with no home. Can't they see that? They call me unAmerican.
It hurts. It scares the shit out of me. These people are screaming for blood. When does it stop?
And Denyse left, went home. I had to walk around. I had to say more to them. I had to talk to someone calmly, without yelling and pointing fingers in my face. They told me that if I hadn't been down there, helping, I couldn't say anything, I didn't know anything. My opinions aren't valid, because I haven't seen the horror first hand. Yes, it's horrible. Yes, it gets our emotions stirred up. If I saw a dead child, a dead anyone, I'd be weeping, confused and maybe angry. But it's not the only response. We can be sad and hurt and afraid, but it doesn't have to lead to anger and revenge and more blood. I'm not excusing what these people did, it's inexcusable. No two ways about it, they are monsters. But when we go off chanting for war, we're not talking about crazy, sick individuals, we're talking about war. These people at Union Square, some of them, pretended to just want justice, but it's not justice they seek, it's revenge.
I hope and pray that the masses that were there and not saying much (some were), but were holding signs of peace, that they prevail. That we prevail. As a city, a country, a world. We're all in this together, we have to make it better. Each of us. And that means we have to think. War is an easy answer, but it's horribly short-sighted. Wars start other wars. I wanted to cry.
I found a couple of guys on the side on another pass, and talked to them for a while. They were cool-headed and rational. Of course I say that because we agreed with each other. But more than that, we talked respectfully. Even Niles, by comparison to these screaming folks at the square, was respectful. I just hope the lovers beat the fighters.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anybody, not ever. These things are so complicated. If I knew what I wanted, it would be easy.
