« Another 'Urinating to Freedom' Story |
Main
| Bush's Ploy »
January 31, 2005
Worst. Movie. Ever
Well, I haven't seen it, but it seems safe to say that Alone in the Dark is right up there with the worst of them.
Matthew Baldwin of defective yeti has a series of posts called "Bad Review Reviews" wherein he - you guessed it - excerpts really good bad movie reviews.
The bad reviews for Alone in the Dark are so scathing and numerous that I kind of want to see the movie now.
A few favorites:
"No better than whatever you might pick up while wearing a blindfold at Blockbuster, even if you happen to reach into a trash can." -- Jack Mathews,
NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
"Trying to rehash this plot is like trying to describe a Jackson Pollock painting while drunk" -- Pete Croatto FILMCRITIC.COM
"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would have been better" -- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
"So mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality. " -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
"Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -- Chris Kaltenbach, BALTIMORE SUN
defective yeti
Posted by ahecht at January 31, 2005 5:21 PM
Previous Comments
The preview alone was enough of a warning for me to stay the hell away from this movie. But still, I am doubtful of its supposedly ultimate awfulness; I've yet to see a movie worse than "Bulletproof Monk." Could this be the one...?
Posted by: Derek
at January 31, 2005 6:41 PM
But the Baltimore City Paper has the scathingest best:
“Alone in the dark” is what you’re gonna be you if you decide to sit in front of director Uwe Boll’s (House of the Dead) agonizing mashup of some X-Files-, Buffy-, and Alien-style crapola. Christian Slater continues his sad, greasy slide into the demidarkness of Hollywood B-career oblivion as he portrays one Edward Carnby, a, um, paranormal investigator who knows karate and rocks an International Male-style tank top under his duster. He is paired with Tara Reid, who does not get her tits out, opting instead to model spectacles. But, Christ, girlfriend can barely push the words out of her mouth. Tara-ble. Anyway, speaking of B-movie star power, Stephen Dorff helps fight monsters that look like the H.R. Giger alien crossed with a turtle and a dog. Can we work on some new monsters, please? Hey, try crossing something with Tara Reid.
Posted by: Julia at February 4, 2005 8:24 AM
